What have I done to deserve this kind of love?
On February, 2nd 2018 I wrote to myself, ” I woke up this morning and I FEEL like a complete looser. I pray everyday and I have faith that Jesus will restore my hope. I am not sure if I believe in myself, I can’t seem to figure out why these events has happened to me or why they are happening to me. Over the years I have constantly been fighting and pushing forward and searching; while trying everything possible to make myself a better person. I have to motivate myself to get out of bed, I HAVE TO.”
Deep dark days, I will never forget. A period in my life where talking myself out of bed was as painful as walking on ice. I haven’t shared much, but today I choose to share. For many years before 2017, I had this “sinking hole” feeling that dwelt deep down, that hard swallow feeling, that get up and get feeling with nothing positive happening no matter what I tried. Sometimes our environment can be poisonous and draining, a place where there is no hope, no ambition, no yearning, no smiles. I’ve been there, in fact I worked there. I worked where ” smiles were made”, yet somehow I felt more frowns were produced, deep inside, never healing frowns. I can’t explain it, but I was there for 6 years and at first I was thankful and happy to be there, but over the years my impression of that happy place changed as a result of an opinion I cannot and will not describe. I KNEW FOR 6 YEARS, this place called work was NOT FOR ME.
Deciding to leave was huge. With full time college classes, a full time job, a full time relationship, friends and family, life and time can be a challenge. However, I knew I had to go, I kicked myself and was hurt after leaving because of a deep connection I made to always feeling like I was nothing. I felt so much doubt in the decision to leave because I truly believed I was not as talented as I thought I was. This is what a poisonous environment can do, it can seep deep enough to create self doubt, while you assassinate your inner confidence and self worth. What a whirlwind of emotions, crying, smiling, pity, anger, hope, joy, gratitude- work can trigger these emotions; well at least that’s what I thought.
Wait until I started the new job. My first week was amazing- then all hell broke loose. Female owned and run businesses are sometimes encouraging to a woman, but in this case, I was dealt a huge life changing blow in my face. Like a sudden shake down in your sleep, that’s what it felt like a week later in this new job. I thought I was in a poisonous environment before?! Girl Bye! I was in a twilight zone of verbal abuse and a true experience of dogdom. I hate telling the long version of this story, maybe one day I will. But I will tell the highlights. Late, late nights, no lunch breaks, tight deadlines, mismanagement, complicated excel spreadsheets that not even the person who created them could understand, yelling, screaming, cursing, intimidation, paper tearing in my face, threats, no pay for 4 weeks (yes you read right), singling out, persecution, almost all the sins described in the bible. I cried almost everyday after I made that faithful decision to leave what I thought was a poisonous environment.
It was as if I was receiving a punishment for something I had no idea I had done. I begged and prayed to GOD every night for strength and wisdom and patience to allow myself to get up and go to work. I jumped ship for a $13,000 raise but it felt like I was at a net loss. The suffering going on in me caused by the pulling and tugging between my soul/ heart and brain was a revelation of how strong I really was. GOD puts us in this world with purpose.
The bible says “So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others”- Philippians 2:1-4 . This is the period in my life where I prayed like I never prayed before. Don’t get me wrong, I did pray before this but my faith in myself and my purpose was destroyed at this point. No one could comfort me, not my mother, not my sisters, not my father- NO ONE EXCEPT the words of the bible. I was reassured it will all be fine, “for we walk by faith and not by sight” 2 Corinthians 5:7 and with this revelation to me, I woke up and sent an email to quit my job after 8 weeks of lessons.
Why I say lessons is because up until that point in time, I hadn’t realized what was truely in store for me. A blessing of only love and commitment from our holy father.
to be continued……